Do I stay or do I leave?
Do I stay or do I leave? Relationship dilemma!
Definition of Love and Relationship
Alain de Botton says in his elegant book “The Course of Love,” that “love is a skill,” and I would add that it is a skill that doesn’t come with a manual. I also dare to suggest that a romantic relationship is a job, which at times seems to require a lot of effort for a minimum wage. But then again, there are many generous bonuses in the course of the year, so it often balances itself out. We receive very little education on how to do relationships, somehow we are expected to just know how to do them, and do them well. However, if that is the case, we would clearly not have the divorce rate in the US of 40 to 50 percent.
Attraction
Relationships are created when two strangers meet and decide to get to know one another. As human beings we all try to make sense out of life and love, and in that process we encounter people that we hope and think can become the ticket to fulfillment and happiness. What creates each person's unique taste and attraction to another person is a result of nature and nurture; what you saw and were taught at home, the rules and customs of the culture in which you grew up, what your current culture labels as cool or appropriate, and what the brain recognizes as familiar. Yes, the brain can really trick you when it comes to attraction. The brain is designed in such a way that it always looks for familiarity, and while that can be beneficial for recognizing faces and places, it can baffle you a bit when it comes to love. The familiar aspect of a person’s personality or features that the brain recognizes can be very subtle, which is why, some years into a relationship you may look at your sleeping spouse and see your mother or father.
Side-effects of Intimate Relationships
As much as an intimate relationship can be a source of immense happiness and comfort, it can also cause intense pain, both emotional and physical, as a result of tension, fights, miscommunication and disrespect. A troubled relationship can easily manifest physically with symptoms that include back spasms, gastrointestinal issues, overall muscle aches, skin rashes, not to mention neck pain and headaches. Mentally, a tumultuous relationship can show up as depression and/or anxiety, apathy, anger, sadness, emotional shut down, or lack of motivation.
Relationships provide a wonderful stage for working on yourselves to become more emotionally aware, and to take responsibility for your actions and reactions in relation to your partner.. It also helps you separate what is actually your emotional “stuff” versus your partner’s, because, trust me, everybody enters a relationship with more or less emotional “baggage.”
Healing
I am known to say “You cannot sit home in your room and work on your intimacy issues.” By this I mean that many of a person’s emotional wounds, rooted in a hurtful relationship with a parent, caretaker or romantic partner, can only be healed through an authentic interpersonal process, be it with a therapist, a partner or both. Depending on the severity of the trauma a person is working through, there are times when therapy must precede a romantic relationship as it is too scary to be vulnerable with another person. Other times, being in a relationship makes a person aware that they have unresolved issues, and they seek therapy to sort things out while practicing new ways of relating to the given partner.
What can you do to create changes?
If you are struggling in your relationship and/or you have doubt that the person you are with is the right one, I suggest you take a look at the questions below. By pondering each question and answering them truthfully you can gain some insight into what is missing between you and your partner. The questions ask for “yes,” “no” or “maybe,” and you are welcome to stop there. However, you could take it a step further and use the questions as a workbook by looking at each one and ask; “How exactly do I do that?” or “How do I not do that?”
It can be helpful that both you and your partner answer the questions, as it can provide a framework for how to work together to implement changes in the ways you see and treat each other.
Checklist for how you are operating in your relationship:
Are you appreciating, accepting and respecting the differences between you and your partner?
Are you supporting your partner in becoming the best person he or she can possibly be?
Are you encouraging your partner to pursue her or his hobbies or interests?
Are you considerate, attentive and caring when your partner is down or sick?
Are you mindful of focusing on your partner’s qualities rather than flaws?
Are you patient when your partner is not on your page on a topic or task?
Are you aware that your partner cannot mend your unhealed childhood wound?
Are you mindful of not completing your partner’s sentences?
Are you making an effort to take care of yourself out of respect for yourself and your partner?
Are you interested in hearing what she/he is feeling?
Are you interested in rediscovering her/him over and over?
Are you making an effort to create nice dates or moments together?
Where to Go from Here
If you and your partner both answered an honest “yes” to most of the questions, your relationship has a good foundation to build on.
If you both replied mostly “no,” it is worth putting in an effort to see what changes are possible.
If one of you said mostly “yes” and one mostly “no” there is clearly room for work and improvement, and maybe a therapist is needed.
If one or both of you replied “maybe” several times, I suggest you spend a bit more time thinking, and possibly visualizing how you act toward your partner in the various situations mentioned in the questionnaire.
The famous cliche “wherever you go, there you are,” applies well to intimate relations. Thus, if you are on the brink of breaking up a fairly good relationship, it is worth putting in some effort to reconfigure your interaction before you decide that leaving the relationship is the right solution.